this song always reminds me of HER :(

~ 20 September 2006 ~

Aku masih ingat saat-saat masa mak menghembuskan nafas terakhir..... Few months ulang-alik dari rumah ke hospital, tak senang duduk dibuatnya. Aku cuba untuk kuatkan semangat.. But in the end, I just break down and cry.. The doctor didn't tell us until last minute - 1 day before she passed away that dah takde harapan untuk dia hidup. Diorang dah buat yang terbaik..

I was in the office when ayah called. I know that there must be something wrong.. Sambil menangis, ayah told me apa yang doctor cakap. So I rushed to the hospital. On the way to the hospital, in the taxi I was crying like nobody's business.. Everybody start calling me - abang Bujang, Peteh, Pecu, Atuk, abang Rahim.. Semua bagi kata-kata semangat. Lagi la aku menangis sebab aku tau mak hidup pun takkan lama.. Sampai aje kat hospital, mak senyum tengok aku datang. Dia tanya kenapa aku ambik cuti? Aku bagi alasan aku sakit kepala.. Satu perkara tentang mak yang aku takkan lupa sampai bila-bila - Walaupun dia sakit, dia tak suka menyusahkan sesiapa. Aku cuti pun dia tak bagi.. Dia selalu cakap "kalau Liza sayang mak, tak payah la cuti. Ayah ada, dia boleh jaga mak".. Hari tu aku luangkan masa dengan mak, borak-borak dengan dia.. Bila dah malam, dia suruh aku balik sebab ayah temankan dia kat hospital malam tu. Sebelum aku balik, aku cium pipi dia.. Then dia tarik tangan aku. Dia usap kepala aku.. Dia pandang aku sambil tersenyum, dia cakap "mak sayang Liza.. Mak dah lama ampunkan salah silap Liza dengan adik-adik.. Satu lagi mak pesan, Liza jangan berubah hati. Jaga Ben elok-elok.. Jangan bagi dia marah.." I stopped myself from crying in front of her..

The next day ayah called.. Dia menangis lagi.. Mak merengek nak balik. Nak meninggal kat rumah katanya.. Lepas berbincang dengan doctor, ayah brought her home. Mak sampai kat rumah roughly at 5.30pm.. Mak dah tak sedar dah waktu tu.. Keluarga semua dah ada. Ada yang menangis.. Ada yang murung.. Ada yang sibuk nak bercakap dengan aku.. Aku tak tahan nak join the crowd, tersangat la huru-hara. So aku masuk bilik mak, aku duduk sebelah dia. Slowly aku bisik kat telinga dia kalimah "lailahaillallah"..

Aku bergilir-gilir dengan adik-adik duduk sebelah mak. When it was not my turn, aku call all family members yang takde kat situ untuk bagitau keadaan mak. Then suddenly I heard everybody was crying loudly.. Aku berlari masuk bilik. Kaki mak dah sejuk.. Tak tau macam mana nak cakap perasaan aku masa tu. Tepat pukul 6.40 petang, depan mata aku dan semua orang yang ada kat situ mak menghembuskan nafas terakhir..

Sampai hari ni, terngiang-ngiang di telinga segala nasihat mak.. Dengan nasihat mak itulah aku bertahan.....

SHE has left a huge legacy of love in me...

My Letter to Her:
Dear Mama, may I have this dance, please.. I wish this moment could just stop and freeze.. The perfect memory of us together.. A memory of love, my mom, forever.. Dance with me while the music's on.. Give me one last dance before you're gone.. And when you pass I'll forever remember.. This loving dance in your September.. I'll cry tears Mama, but I'll be fine.. Let's make a toast, pour the wine.. To the greatest mother a girl could dream.. No greater other daughter and mother team.. But when you leave to up above.. I'll cry tears, tears of love.. Tears of sadness, tears of joy.. No matter the age, always your baby girl.. You brought me here, and gave me birth.. Love can't describe my feeling's worth.. You read me stories, and raised me right.. Tucked me in bed every night.. Kissed my cheek, spoke three words.. I'll never forget those words I heard.. But one day all of this will change.. But my love will always remain.. You will leave, I will stay.. I'll miss you till my dying day.. But when my time comes to me.. And I pass above you'll see.. I'll be the best daughter to you.. To make up for all I put you through.. During life, I have wronged.. To make it up, this I have longed.. So come over here to me mom.. And dance with me this final song..

P.S. Mom, when you receive this.. Come to me for a dance and kiss..

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My Dream of Her:
On the dance floor, Mama come to me.. Music's playing for our dance, the finale.. Before you leave, hold my hand, do a twirl.. One last dance with my diamond and pearl.. My hand on your waist, and my eyes close.. Wish this moment stopped in time and just froze.. But once the song ends you'll disappear.. My dream will end, and you won't be here.. If I could I'd stay asleep forever.. Just so you and I could remain together.. Don't worry about me when you pass.. It'll be a lesson learned with life as my class.. I'll manage Mama, but I won't forget.. I'll remember all you taught me, though I'll regret.. Some things I did and some ways I acted.. But by you Mama, my life's been impacted.. Everything I know between right and wrong.. I thank you, so come dance this last song.. My eyes open, the moon shines on.. Damn, just a dream, she's gone..
*Mom, I love you and I want you to know that I'll be the best daughter I can possibly be for you. I just want you to be happy, and I want to make the time we have here on this earth the best we can make it.*